All good things must come to an end, at least, that is what I have always been told.
J and I have broken up, but this was a long time coming. He, simply put, is just not happy. Not necessarily with me and being with me, but in general. I am sure, though I don't have all the answers, I have contributed to a large part of his unhappiness. While I would like to say that I am devastated, which I am, I can't. I understand where he is coming from, so I respect and condone his decision.
I had told J a few weeks ago that if he needed to do this, then he should. It isn't worth the pain and suffering on his end if he just isn't happy. I have so many unanswered questions, but I am fully accepting of the idea that I will never get answers to the questions I have. My main concern through all of this, however, wasn't that he was breaking up with me, but why he was being so hypocritical.
While I was in the process of getting diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, he was there. I tried to tell him that I wasn't worth the pain that I was causing him, but he insisted he would stay there with me, through everything. There were many instances where I thought, "this is it, he is going to leave me," but he never did. I was so ready to return the favor, and be there for his with his battle with SAD, but he was dead set on leaving me and not dragging me down.
I respect the concern associated with dragging me down with him, instead of staying healthy myself. However, to that, all I have to say is this:
I am my own person, with my own emotions, and my own feelings. I am the only person that is capable of gauging my mental health, my physical health, and my general well being. No one can come up to me and tell me I have a headache, only I can say that I have a headache.
Why did J have the right to tell me that I wouldn't be capable of being there for him? I know my limits, and if this is something I thought I wasn't capable of doing, then I wouldn't have tried to stay with him. I wouldn't have fought as hard as I did for as long as I did. If, at any point, I felt overwhelmed, I would have brought it to his attention and took a step or two back. I wouldn't let myself get bad because if I wanted to be there for him, I would need to be in the best possible state that I could be in-- and I was and still am.
My doctor and my mom both agreed that I was in the perfect place to be able to deal with stressors. I strongly believe that I am capable of being there for J because I know my limits better now than I ever have. All I want is to be there for him, to help him where ever I can. I want to be the rock for him that he was to me.
Aside from understanding and having questions, I am still extremely sad to watch our relationship of a year die. I never thought I would see the day that we were separated from each other. He was the only person that I have ever genuinely saw myself having a family with; he was the only one who ever told me that, despite all my issues, I am still fit to be a mom.
My room is, to a certain extent, a shrine of him. I have pictures all around my walls, stuffed animals and blankets that he bought me, sand and other memories from our trip to Myrtle Beach, hypoglycemia treats (as J is Type One Diabetic), and plain old mental memories from him being over. I refuse to take all these images down, not only because I don't do well with physical change, but also because I don't want to put away the memories that I have had for the past year of my life.
These memories were, at one point, the only thing keeping me in school. J is the only reason that I passed my classes last semester, and I couldn't be more thankful. Being at school, especially with this breakup, hasn't been easy. It has given me the opportunity to cry every night and wallow in my own pity. I don't want to admit that I cry all the time about it, but I do.
J was the first person I felt genuinely myself with. I would laugh, cry, and be at peace with him. He was, and still is, my safe place. J is my absolute best friend, whether he knows it or not. Through everything, and then some, I will still remain his friend. It will still be J and I versus the problem, not J vs Me. I will always remember that patience is a virtue. And with that, I conclude:
I will wait until the day I die if that is what it takes.