As I sit here, unable to sleep, I have pondered on a lot of things. I guess that is why I came here to write in the first place. I have so much on my mind; its crazy how many thoughts I have at any given moment in time. I wish my thoughts would just stop so I could have some time to process what I am feeling and have time to feel the emotions as they arise. In no particular order, what I am about to share are things I have been thinking about, things that have been keeping me up at night, things I simply cannot control. Without further ado, I present to you: Insomniac Soup.
It dawned on me the other day that you may not have washed your sheets since she left. For some reason, that made me feel belittled and unwanted. The thought of her body being naked in your bed somehow managed to make my skin crawl; do you know what that thought has done to me? Lately, all that I think about is how you were with her and how much you must have enjoyed her presence in the time you were with her. You wrote love notes to each other, messages on the mirror, compared heights--permanently-- on the wall in your bedroom. There are so many things throughout the apartment that remind me of her, so I can only imagine how frequently you think about her and all the times you shared. I understand that you believed she was a free loading alcoholic, but at the same time, you promised her a future... much like the future you are promising me.
I miss you, but maybe not who you think. I miss the fights, the toxicity of what we had. Everyday, you cross my mind multiple times. I know I am the one that ended it, because I was the one who wasn't happy. Though, that was not the reason we ended. I might not have been happy, but my health conditions were not good and definitely not worth your time. You wanted to be there for me, to support me in anyway you could, but I wouldn't let you. I prevented you from being able to show me the supportive person you were. You promised me the same future as the one above, yet here I am, not with you, sleeping in a different bed, but still thinking about the love I had before. I guess you could say that I am still caught up on you. I won't lie, you blocking me was heartbreaking, but I get why you needed to do it. I wasn't being the friend we promised to be to you if or when we broke up. I want to reach out to you, since I saw that you unblocked see on everything. I have been conflicted in doing so, but I just want to give you some closure and let you know that I am still here for you. If I were to see you right now, the conversation would go a little like this:
Hey, I noticed you unblocked me and I thought I would reach out to you. I know that you may not want to talk to me, so its fine if you don't respond. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I think about you everyday and hope that you are doing well. I know that we kind of left on bad terms, but I don't want to keep that same kind of tension between us. I think you are one hell of a guy, someone who has been through some shit, but also someone who has a good head on his shoulders. By no means did I ever mean for this to get so out of hand. I apologize for this; I understand if you do not want to forgive me. I am not here seeking an accepted apology, but rather trying to express that I will always be here for you, caring about you, and hoping that you have the best possible life for yourself. I hope you know that, even when you feel like the entire world is against you, I will be cheering you on from the side lines. I know we aren't together anymore, but that doesn't mean that I do not care about you or your well being. I also just wanted to touch on why exactly we had to break up, and what exactly is going on with me and my health. I have an atrial flutter, which, if you do not know, is a type of heart rhythm disorder where thee hearts upper chambers beat too quickly. As a result of this, I get a constant arrhythmia. An arrhythmia is a problem with the heart rate or rhythm of the heartbeat (obviously associated with the atrial flutter I have going on). But, because of this, I am constantly going in and out of tachycardia (a heart rate over 100 beats per minute directly caused by the electrical impulses that coordinate my heartbeat not working properly). As a result of the tachycardia, I go into what is called Supraventricular tachycardia, or SVT for short. This is where there is a faster than normal heart rate beginning above the heart's two lower chambers. Going into SVT hurts, it hurts bad. It is, in essence, a non deadly heart attack. I go through this constantly; it's never ending. On top of this, I have been having some other issues with my IBS-C. I just can't get it under control. Before we broke up, I was constantly throwing up and not able to hold anything down. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want you to stress out. Finally, I was having issues with my bipolar. I was struggling mentally, which wasn't helping me make rational decisions. I was extremely depressed, but trying to mask it. I went into a mixed episode and completely lost it. I am stable again (for now) and am hoping that I can continue to keep it that way. I know that these issues are non of your concern, but I just thought that you shouldn't be left in the dark about it anymore. I didn't want to tell you because I was ashamed and thought you would look at me differently. Looking back, I realize that I could have mentioned this to you and let you support me. I apologize for not letting you have that opportunity. Anyway, like I said, I still think about you all the time and really, truly hope that you are doing decent at least. If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I really do want to be someone you can talk to.
I hope that you understand when I say I want to reach out to you that I genuinely mean that I want to; I don't want to do it maliciously. I genuinely want you to know that I am here for you. I guess I got all that I wanted to say to you out.
Back to you: I genuinely feel as though you are using me. It is constantly eating at the back of my head, making me question the motives of this relationship. You jumped out of a two year relationship with your ex-fiance, then right into a relationship with someone else. After about three months, you decided that you wanted me after explaining that you slept with a bunch of employees at your previous place of employment. You cheated on your girlfriend at the time with me. I should have guessed from there that I would have these feelings: 1) you cheated on her without a problem, so why wouldn't you do that to me, too 2) you mentioned that you slept with more than 5 employees from your previous place of employment as if that was some kind of pickup line, yet I still fell for the idea of you wanting me 3) you could have literally anyone that you want because you are so damn fine, yet you decided to go with me, why? I guess these questions may never be answered, but all I can say is, from this point forward, I will be more skeptical. I almost lost my job because of this situation; now, I barely know if this will work. I missed out on a promotion that would have been mine in a heartbeat and you're over here acting like it was no big deal. You don't have to worry about the same things that I worry about because you make way more money than me; I still have to carry that financial burden on me. I stupidly moved in with you, lovestruck and under your spell. It was way too soon. As much as I love having the freedom of doing whatever I want, I still miss being home. I have missed out on a lot of things because I moved in with you; I don't blame you for this though. But, without that promotion that I really, really, really wanted, I can barely afford to get groceries for a meal, gas, or even things that I need. I have two credit car bills out of the wazoo, something I know that you know plenty about. I also feel like I do not have a home. Living with you is great, but I am not entirely comfortable. I do not feel like I have a comfortable space to just be me. I do not have a space to just be alone. At my mom's house, I could just go to my room and not be bothered. Here, I have to sit in an open space. Not only this, but I feel as though we are never spending time together. You are always so uncomfortable, so you sit in your safe place, which is ironically the bathroom, or take a hot shower for 30 plus minutes at a time. When you are done, you sit on your phone or play video games. I can't even say shit about this, though, simply because the reality of it is, this is YOUR apartment. YOU pay the rent and for the most part YOU pay for food. I try my absolute best to contribute, but I still feel like it is not enough. No matter what I do, I still feel like I am not good enough.
I am constantly doubting myself. Everyday, I fight a raging war in my head. I know what is rational vs irrational, but the irrational side of me always seems to be winning. I know that I am not good at my job, even though all my managers compliment me and tell me how wonderful of an employee I am-- they are lying. I know that I can't do good in school, since, no matter how hard I try, I always end up not getting the grades that I want. This is extremely frustrating and takes such a toll on my mental health. Speaking of mental health, I do not take care of myself the say that I should, and as a result, I end up feeling like I currently do: stressed, depressed, and not alright. Nothing I do makes anything any easier. I make life so hard for myself for no apparent reason. All my life I have been living with bipolar disorder, going unmedicated, and feeling so low (or high, depending). All I know is how to feel bad. I hate throwing pity parties, especially for myself. I am, no matter what, just all around not worthy of having good things. I always destroy them.
Hey you, yeah, you, from about January 12th or so, yeah. I just wanted to let you know that, despite almost a year of being broke up, you still cross my mind. We started talking a bit more, then it just died off. I know that I cannot give you what you want, nor what you need, but I still want to be there for you just like you were for me. If needed, I want you to know that you always have me supporting you and rooting for you no matter what. I hope you like your new job; I also hope that school is going well for you. I am so proud of you for deciding that you wanted to go back. I am sorry if you felt as though I was holding you back from that. That is the last thing I wanted to do, really. I still am sorry for hurting you so bad; I didn't realize how bad I was until you left. But, if it makes you feel any better, you are the reason that I got the help that I truly did need. Between my psychiatrist for medication and my therapist for some therapy, I guess you could say that I started getting better. I did get worse for a second, in fact, I almost took my own life. I knew, though, that if I did that, it would only be worse for those around me. I thought of you before I attempted; it made it all seem to go away. Thank you for saving my life, unintentionally.
Considering I have been sitting at my compute for nearly an hour and a half just typing out some of the thoughts and concerns that I have, I think it would be best if I logged off and called it a "night" (even though it is nearly 7am here). Like always, I appreciate you all. Thank you for always being here for me and listening to me when I need to vent.
-The Unnoticed Teenager