First, I want to start with an apology. I am sorry that I have not been posting as much lately; in fact, I am sorry for going months without an update. I just haven't been able to find the right words to say to express any kind of emotions that I have been feeling (more on this in a minute). Fortunately, I think this was for the better.
I have been on a rollercoaster the past few months, but thankfully, this rollercoaster has finally stopped. I don't mean the fun kind of rollercoaster, either. I mean the one that makes you beg and plea to get off of it. Starting the year with a breakup (that I was expecting, but hoping wouldn't happen), to finally feeling I am in a place of peace and serenity, I can officially say I have overcome some pretty challenging times.
Back in January, January 12th to be specific, I started the year with a breakup from J (see more on this in "The End to My Beginning"). That breakup was not easy, and was the most painful one I have ever experienced. I was thrown into a whirlwind of emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with, but I managed to get through it none the less. I know this was what was best for the both of us, so I accepted it (even though there were days consumed by me obsessing over the idea that things would still work out).
February was difficult. As we all know, the pandemic caused us all to go into a quarantine. This absolutely sucked for me. As someone who suffers from bipolar disorder, I found it difficult not to fall into a depression. I found myself isolating and becoming a person that I didn’t recognize. Who was this girl that I was becoming? When would I feel like myself again? When would all this end? I had so many questions and overwhelming thoughts that I just couldn’t imagine what life would be like when I would be able to leave the house again.
March was somewhat easier. On March 6th, I had ankle surgery To fix some cartilage I damaged when I was 12. the road to recovery was long (but I managed to become 100% healed). After a week or so post-surgery, i was forced by my college to move out of my dorm hall. Due to covid-19, we would no Longer be doing in person classes; everything transferred to online, and created a big fiasco. Walking through uncharted territory, I found myself struggling. I managed to grab hold of this online learning, and continued to push through. I quickly learned, however, that online learning just isn’t for me! At the end of the month, I celebrated my 20th birthday. I was overjoyed, and even thought this depression was lifted. I went into a hypomanic episode and was feeling pretty great. Quarantine was almost over, and things felt as if they were falling into place.
April was a bit crazy for me. Since I started to go into a hypomanic episode at the end of March, April started out fairly well. I ended up coloring my hair; purple for the win. It was a decision I made while hypomanic, but not a decision I regret. I pushed through my online classes, went to physical therapy for my ankle, and even celebrated my moms birthday. There wasn’t much happening since the quarantine had been extended, but I still managed to make the best of it.
May was intense, but still a month I was able to enjoy. For the most part, my mood stabilized and I was able to function normally for a while. I wasn’t in a low (depression, see more in “The Bipolar Manual) or a high (Hypomanic/Manic). I got to go to the drive-in movie theater with my friend, and watched the Flintstones and Jurassic Park. It was a great time.
In June, I was cleared by my doctor. I could now function without an ankle brace or boot. It was the greatest moment in my life to hear, “you are finally healed.” After 8 years of suffering with bone on bone grinding, I was out of pain (and have remained out of pain for a long time). There are still days when I feel some discomfort, but nothing like before. I’m still so happy about this. I also started a new job! I’m so happy at my place of employment, and honestly couldnt be more great full for the team that I work with.
July was something else; I started to fall into a slight depression. I pushed through, but my anxiety was through the roof; this made it difficult for me to manage. I talked to my doctor and got out on a medication for the anxiety. About two weeks later, I began to feel suicidal. This is something I have never experienced before, so it was challenging to navigate. I didn’t tell anyone. It was my secret that I wanted to keep private. I didn’t tell anyone. I suffered in silence for two weeks. At the end of July, I admitted myself to the hospital. I stayed in the ER on Sunday night, and got a room at the hospital in the adolescent psychiatric facility; apparently you can be in the adolecent ward until 23. I stayed in the hospital until that Thursday. We increased my anxiety meds. I felt fine. I completed my last summer class that Saturday, and didn’t even need to use an extension. I was accepted into a program about 45 minutes away from my house. I was excited to attend it because I had wanted help for so long. I felt good, but my world started to crash again.
August started with more suicidal thoughts. I ended up talking to my therapist at my program, who called in my psychiatrist. They both agreed: I was a threat to myself and needed to be rushed to the hospital via ambulance because they didn’t trust I would drive myself safely. I got to the hospital on a Wednesday, and didn’t leave until the following Tuesday. I was upset to be back, but it wasn’t a step back. It was a sideways step to get around a barrier that life set up. I’m still making progress everyday, but for the most part, I’m doing alright. I haven’t had any real suicidal thoughts since three days into my second hospital stay. I got readmitted into my program, and am doing really well. I go to my program full time, and work afterwards part time. I’m a pretty busy woman now-a-days.
All in all, I think it’s safe to say I have had one interesting year, along with everyone else. I’m thankful to have all the experiences that I have had thus far into the year. I can only hope that my depression soon lifts, and I get into a stable mood range. At this point, I will even except mania! I know, I know, it still sucks when you’re manic, but hey, it’s better than being stuck in what feels like an endless depression. I’m doing good. I’m hanging in there. I can only hope that you all are, also!