For the past couple of weeks, I haven't been alright. I haven't told anyone because it isn't something that I am not used to. It's also not something that I want other people to worry about, especially because I am supposed to be the one that is alright now. It must just be a manic low, it's just a manic low, it's just a manic low... right? The more I tell myself this, the more I begin to question it. Is this really a manic low? Or is my depression getting worse? Am I starting to go into a severe manic low, a manic low that requires hospitalization? What should I do? How should I handle this? More importantly, how do I have this conversation with the people I love?
My boyfriend is already going through so much, a lot more than he is telling me. He has severe depression and anxiety and his treatment plan is still being adjusted. The last thing he needs is someone, broken like me, talking to him about these types of issues when he is trying to work on himself:
How am I supposed to tell him that I don't want to be alive when he already has so much on his plate?
The last thing anyone needs is for me to start telling them how depressed I am. I have Bipolar Disorder, I am going to be depressed for weeks at a time; I'm also going to feel like I am on cloud nine other weeks. There really is no middle ground, because bipolar disorder is different varying from person to person. I just happen to be one that gets launched from a manic high to the pits of a manic low, with little breathing room to understand that this depression just hit me like a semi-truck.
The past two weeks, I knew I was getting bad. I figured that I was in a manic low, and just did what I normally do when I get this way. There is nothing that can be done to help these manic lows or highs other than talk therapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectic Behavioral Therapy). I have been through both, and while they help to take the edge off some of the time, they don't quite work the way doctors hope they do. What my boyfriend doesn't know is I have started going back to therapy, one to two times every week. I fought with him over not going back because I absolutely hate it. What I didn't know until recently was that I need it, and it makes more of an impact than I would like to believe.
After assuming that it was just a manic low, I continued on with my daily life when suddenly-- and I should have seen this one coming-- my boyfriend started to push me away. At first is was very long waiting times for a response, then it was being left on read altogether. I understand that people get busy, and sometimes people forget, but with everything that he is going through, I can tell he just doesn't want to talk. In addition to this, he avoids my attempts to see him. There are also certain topics of conversation that he refuses to engage in. I get it, things can be sensitive when you are not feeling like yourself, or your depression has set it.
Not talking to me has pushed me out of his life; I feel like I don't know who he is, and when I do manage to talk to him, he is always angry or upset, or frankly, he just really doesn't want to be talking to me (at least, that's what it feels like).
I have been impacted so much by the lack of communication and distancing that I no longer feel like I am loved or wanted. I feel like the more I try to talk to him about my concerns, the more he validates them by not wanting to talk. I am being ghosted almost every other day, if not daily. At this point, I no longer know what to do. I am stuck, and feel as though it is my fault that my relationship is failing.
Now, I am here in this depressed rut with dump trucks unloading years of trauma and pain onto me. I am becoming a victim to my own mind, and starting to wonder about and question a lot of things. I know this is just a severe manic low, and I am determined to overcome it, like always.
Despite it all, I still love and support my boyfriend. J has always been there for me and never deprived me of anything I have wanted or needed. With this, I do no plan on leaving him isolated and alone. I will continue to fight for the J I once knew and loved, while loving and supporting the new J. Pain changes people, and I am determined to fight this pain with everything I have. Just because it is bad now, doesn't mean this will be bad forever. I always have to remind myself that there are rough patches in all that we do in life. People in relationships fight, people develop depression, anxiety is hurtful, and our minds can sometimes be against us.